Breaking Free

I have a confession to make. I have been suffering from Depression for quite some time. I don't know when it started but I do know that I was on an all time low last year. 2011 hasn't been a kind year to me. I lost a lot of important people in my life. Loved ones died, friends came and went away. Everything made me feel miserable although I was blessed in a lot of ways. I was always unhappy. I lacked energy to do the things I loved. Then it dawned to me that my depression was something that I can fight against. I needed to fight it. I was just 27 years old. I had a life in front of me. I didn't want to waste my life feeling down in the dumps all the time.

Looking back at my life, I realized that I am experiencing an imbalance. I am caught in a destructive chronic cycle. A product of years of abusing myself. I didn't eat healthy foods. I rarely slept early. I lost my sense of self by following what others want me to do rather than what I wanted to do.

Lack of sleep led to me feeling cranky and depressed the following day. This also leads me to eat unhealthy foods that were high on sugar. I guess it was my body's way of regaining the energy that I needed for the day. Eating sugary foods contributed to my weight gain... which also contributed to my self-confidence taking a nose dive.

For years I had the perfect figure. I didn't need to worry about what I was eating. Suddenly my metabolism started to slow down. I was getting fatter around my midriff. I couldn't fit in to my favorite pants anymore. I'm not fat - yet. But I'm starting to go on that road. I need to stop it.

Not sleeping early also meant that I lacked energy to do the things I loved to do. I wasted my time on things that did not matter. I hardly did the things I loved because most of the time 'I didn't feel like it'. Losing the energy to do what I love led me to have feelings of frustration. And it made me feel even more depressed.

This was the cycle that I was whirled into. Its hard to break from bad habits that were forged from years of self-neglect and self-abuse. But that doesn't mean that everything is going to stay that way forever.

I am lucky to have a supportive and loving family. I am lucky that I have friends who care about me. I am lucky that I have two dogs who act as my stress relief. And I am lucky that I know that I have the power to change my situation. Its not easy but I guess I'll do it one step at a time. Then maybe one day I'll become the person that I really want to be. Some day soon I will seize happiness.

Salad and Yakult. Yum Yum

I'm starting eat more healthy foods. I eat more salads and more fruits. I heard a saying that our bodies respond well to 'good food'. Food is like fuel. Give the wrong kind of fuel to your body and it will feel  'wrong' too. Its a matter of giving my body what it really needs. I really should stop snacking on junk foods too. Its not healthy and I think that I crave it not because I am really hungry but because of the psychological effect it gives me. I'm still struggling with this though. But someday I might be able to proudly say that I'm junk food free.

My Current Desk

I also realized the importance of having a clean environment. I read an article somewhere in the internet that our environment is only a reflection of our psychological state. Yesterday I took some time to clean out some parts of my room. I threw out a lot of trash, used toiletries and dusted off my furniture. I oddly felt a sense of relief when I finished doing that impromptu spring cleaning. And I also felt the urge to keep it that way, clean and dust free. There's still a lot to do though (like cleaning out my closet and letting go of clothes that no longer fit me) but its a great start.

I also took a trip to Singapore with my best friends since High School. Mai, Emille, Katlee and Rhea are one of the most important people in my life. Being able to take an out of the country trip with them really made me feel happy. I'm planning to post pictures from the trip in the next few days.

Visiting another country also widened my perspective. Now I want to travel more. I want to be exposed to what the world can offer. I know I want to travel back to Japan one day and I will do so perhaps next year.

Life is starting to be great again. I'm starting to find my balance and my worth in the world. I feel better than before.