Claim and Declare

 

It's easy to fall back upon bad habits, to rely on what is comfortable rather than jump up to do what is relatively unknown. Right now I find myself being held back by fear. By my fear of rejection, fear of the future, fear or failure... The list can go on and on and on. But what is important is that I should be able to get myself up again after a particularly bad fall. It doesn't matter how many times we make mistakes. What is important is that we learn from it move on to improving ourselves.

But saying that is the easy part. Applying it to my day to day life is where the real challenge lies. For there are certain thoughts and fears that have been ingrained into me since I was a child. These thoughts and fears may not necessarily be true and I think that most are definitely products of bad experiences in my past.

My challenge to myself is to transform these thoughts and fears into something positive. I've been wallowing in a depressive state on and off for quite some time. I don't like feeling this way and I'm sure that no one wants to fall into that pit of sadness and despair. Like a butterfly escaping its cocoon I want to change into something more beautiful. Not in the physical aspect, really, but more of the spiritual, mental and emotional parts of my life. But I think not settling for what I am right now is the key to transforming what I am feeling into something more.

I want to change. I want to feel fulfilled with my life. I want to have direction and I want to be someone who can be proud of myself.

I watched a youtube video about Oprah's Life Class. In this one particular episode she had invited Pastor Joel Osteen, someone whom I do respect. And they had shared that one must declare and claim what one wants to become - even if the prospect of it happening looks bleak. I guess it also makes a person prepared for what he or she wants to happen in their lives.

So I will start the day by declaring the traits that I want to imbibe into my life.

Instead of saying "I want to change" I will say "I am changing". Instead of saying "I want to feel fulfilled in my life" I will declare that "Day by day I am learning and changing my ways to that I am feeling fulfilled and contented with what I am". I am focusing on what is positive. I am moving on towards my goal. I am focused. I am creative. I am successful and I am going to achieve great things.

For what its worth, even the simple act of typing these thoughts have already started a positive spark in my life. It might be a psychological effect but I do know that I feel lighter already. It's a good move into the right direction.

Try it. It might do some good for you too.   

[All photos in this post belong to me taken with my Olympus Pen EPM-2 :)]

The little things that makes life wonderful

I woke up today feeling refreshed and peaceful. It's been a long time since I've felt this way and to tell the truth i really makes me happy to feel at peace with myself. It's like a butterfly who had just left its cocoon. I feel alive, reborn.

 

What I'm feeling inside is already being reflected in my physical self. I have clearer smoother skin, shinier hair, and my body no longer feels numb. I used to suffer from physical ailments like my arms and and shoulders aching or my legs being numb with pain. Today I no longer suffer and feel any pain. I feel free physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I'm taking my life one day at a time and I try to do the things I love since I now have time to do those. I may have lost my job last year but I actually think of it as a blessing. I feel as if I've been freed. Now I have more time to do photography, art and even dabble with a side business where I can have the opportunity to earn some money. So I'm not worried at all about my future. In fact I'm quite positive about it. 

One of the tings that I love to do right now is taking pictures of the things I see around me. My house is filled with plants and flowers. Gardening is my mother and late grandmother's passion so it's not surprising that our home is surrounded by a lot of trees, shrubs ad flowering plants. Birds of different kinds and sizes visit out place a lot. Today I saw a new species that I haven't seen before.

I wonder what kind of bird this is. It's not a Maya for sure. I'm thinking of making a painting of this bird. Let's see if I'll be able to do it.

Life and Learning

It's been a long time since I've updated this blog. And to tell the truth I really haven't had the urge to update at all. I could blame it on a lot of things but I guess in the end it really doesn't matter. I'm just happy that I can update it again even if it took me a while to do it.

Life is really complicated sometimes. I know that don't have any room to complain. I have a wonderful family, awesome pets, a really good job and friends whom I trust and love. But there's been always a part of me that I've been struggling with. Sometimes I think that I am having bouts of depression. Other times I just want to smile and just tell myself that I can get through this. 

I've always been looking for a purpose, for meaning as to why I am here on this earth. There are times that I lose the urge to do the things that I used to love. I guess, in the process of probing for meaning, I had forgotten about what is important and that sometimes we just have to do things just for the sake of it. That having a purpose isn't important. Experiencing life in all its facets is.

Today, I've done some activities that I have just stopped doing for no reason at all. I've ridden a bike again. I cycled around our small garage area and even if it was a small space it made me happy that I could do it. I also took my camera out again. The pictures that I had taken aren't really stunning but at least I've done something and that in itself makes me happy.

 

I hope to get better at taking photos and even be more active at blogging. I'll do it one step at a time.

Finding Inspirations: New Potted Plant and Frankie Magazine

Nature is one of the best sources of inspiration. I absolutely love gardens, flowers, and different kinds of plants. I've grown up in a house that's surrounded by fruit bearing trees, flowering shrubs and beautiful orchids. Being around nature brings me peace and ideas.

In an attempt to make my work area more 'nature inspired', I bought a little potted plant from a local mall. The store claimed that it's a self-sustaining hydro culture plant and that its a cleaner, safer and better alternative to traditional soil-based indoor plants.

It's quite pretty. The plant came with a pink ceramic pot that blends well with my study table. The plant itself is quite tiny. It's hardly bigger than my table top calendar. It needs to be watered just twice a week. The instructions say that I only need to put 2 tablespoons of water. The special water-absorbent pebbles keeps the plant alive and keeps it pest free. What a wonderful and stress free way to take care of a plant! I'm thinking of buying two or three more to put around my room.

_______________________

Magazines are a huge source of inspiration for me. I'm an artist by heart and by career choice. As such, I need a steady supply of inspiration inducing materials around me. Most of the magazines that I collect are published in Japan. But these were brought from Australia, Singapore, online stores and even from some local stores.

Even if a lot of the magazines that I own are written and published in Japan, I still do have a one or two that are in English. One of the magazines that I really love is called FRANKIE.

Frankie Magazine is an Australian based publication that tackles design, art, photography, fashion, travel, music and crafts. It's a really pretty magazine that is filled with a lot of pretty pictures and interesting stories. 

Frankie is really different from the magazines that are sold here in my country. It's more artsy and, if I dare say, a bit more tongue and cheek. The pages are filled with wonderful commentary, beautiful artworks and even some recommendations to where to buy vintage and hand made clothes or crafts.

What I love about Frankie the most are the wonderful pictures. I love how the pictures are composed and stylized. I love the feel of the magazine. The magazine itself gives off a vintage yet modern aesthetic. With its clear cut layout and zen like photos, Frankie Magazine makes me think of care free summer days spent taking pictures with a camera. 

If you can buy Frankie Magazine at your local bookstore, please do so. Its a wonderful publication and I hope that it can inspire others as much as it inspired me. 

Breaking Free

I have a confession to make. I have been suffering from Depression for quite some time. I don't know when it started but I do know that I was on an all time low last year. 2011 hasn't been a kind year to me. I lost a lot of important people in my life. Loved ones died, friends came and went away. Everything made me feel miserable although I was blessed in a lot of ways. I was always unhappy. I lacked energy to do the things I loved. Then it dawned to me that my depression was something that I can fight against. I needed to fight it. I was just 27 years old. I had a life in front of me. I didn't want to waste my life feeling down in the dumps all the time.

Looking back at my life, I realized that I am experiencing an imbalance. I am caught in a destructive chronic cycle. A product of years of abusing myself. I didn't eat healthy foods. I rarely slept early. I lost my sense of self by following what others want me to do rather than what I wanted to do.

Lack of sleep led to me feeling cranky and depressed the following day. This also leads me to eat unhealthy foods that were high on sugar. I guess it was my body's way of regaining the energy that I needed for the day. Eating sugary foods contributed to my weight gain... which also contributed to my self-confidence taking a nose dive.

For years I had the perfect figure. I didn't need to worry about what I was eating. Suddenly my metabolism started to slow down. I was getting fatter around my midriff. I couldn't fit in to my favorite pants anymore. I'm not fat - yet. But I'm starting to go on that road. I need to stop it.

Not sleeping early also meant that I lacked energy to do the things I loved to do. I wasted my time on things that did not matter. I hardly did the things I loved because most of the time 'I didn't feel like it'. Losing the energy to do what I love led me to have feelings of frustration. And it made me feel even more depressed.

This was the cycle that I was whirled into. Its hard to break from bad habits that were forged from years of self-neglect and self-abuse. But that doesn't mean that everything is going to stay that way forever.

I am lucky to have a supportive and loving family. I am lucky that I have friends who care about me. I am lucky that I have two dogs who act as my stress relief. And I am lucky that I know that I have the power to change my situation. Its not easy but I guess I'll do it one step at a time. Then maybe one day I'll become the person that I really want to be. Some day soon I will seize happiness.

Salad and Yakult. Yum Yum

I'm starting eat more healthy foods. I eat more salads and more fruits. I heard a saying that our bodies respond well to 'good food'. Food is like fuel. Give the wrong kind of fuel to your body and it will feel  'wrong' too. Its a matter of giving my body what it really needs. I really should stop snacking on junk foods too. Its not healthy and I think that I crave it not because I am really hungry but because of the psychological effect it gives me. I'm still struggling with this though. But someday I might be able to proudly say that I'm junk food free.

My Current Desk

I also realized the importance of having a clean environment. I read an article somewhere in the internet that our environment is only a reflection of our psychological state. Yesterday I took some time to clean out some parts of my room. I threw out a lot of trash, used toiletries and dusted off my furniture. I oddly felt a sense of relief when I finished doing that impromptu spring cleaning. And I also felt the urge to keep it that way, clean and dust free. There's still a lot to do though (like cleaning out my closet and letting go of clothes that no longer fit me) but its a great start.

I also took a trip to Singapore with my best friends since High School. Mai, Emille, Katlee and Rhea are one of the most important people in my life. Being able to take an out of the country trip with them really made me feel happy. I'm planning to post pictures from the trip in the next few days.

Visiting another country also widened my perspective. Now I want to travel more. I want to be exposed to what the world can offer. I know I want to travel back to Japan one day and I will do so perhaps next year.

Life is starting to be great again. I'm starting to find my balance and my worth in the world. I feel better than before.